


Contemplation of Harm

by goldarrow



Series: Silent!Stephen [4]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Discussion of abuse., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldarrow/pseuds/goldarrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephen and Ryan disagree on the importance of what Helen had done to Stephen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contemplation of Harm

**Author's Note:**

> Direct sequel, almost an epilogue to Appearance of Truth

 

 

 

_What is it? What's wrong?_ Stephen's signing was fluid and quick, but Ryan was obviously having no trouble keeping up, his eyes following the rapid movements of Stephen’s fingers and hands and the flickering expressions Stephen was using to augment the signs.

 

That was the only movement the soldier was showing, though. His face was blank, and his arms were crossed over his chest, hands fisted. He looked furious.

 

Stephen’s hands stuttered to a stop, dropping into his lap as he sank down onto the couch. He swallowed hard, staring at his hands and running memories of the last few hours desperately past his mind’s eye in an attempt to figure out just what it was that he’d done wrong.

 

xXx

 

_Ryan’s team had rescued him from Helen’s hideout in an abandoned industrial park, they’d made a quick stop for a medical check-up for Stephen while Ryan turned in his report, and then the two men had headed home._

 

Nothing wrong that he could remember.

 

Stephen delved deeper into the memories, searching for more details.

_He had still been distressed at almost having been poisoned with future spider venom, and Ryan had held him tight the entire ride to the ARC, only letting go when Ditzy took Stephen back to the lab for tests. Once Stephen’s blood tests had come back clean and Ditzy had released him with warnings about his behaviour over the next few days, he’d gone in search of Ryan, finally tracking him down in the main lobby where the soldier was waiting for him._

 

Again, nothing there.

 

_He had hugged his lover for a long moment, then signed,_ Home?

 

_Ryan had nodded, looking closely enough at him that Stephen had chuckled silently and added,_ I’m tired, but okay. Ditzy says so.

 

_That had garnered a raised eyebrow from Ryan, and an exaggerated motion for him to lead the way to their vehicle._

Still nothing that he could see that he’d done wrong.

 

_Stephen had relaxed with his eyes closed on the trip, dozing off; they seldom held conversations on the road, Ryan preferring to keep his attention where it belonged rather than splitting it to read Stephen’s signs if there was no emergency._

 

_Ryan did get one quick call on his mobile as they pulled into their driveway, but by the time Stephen had fully surfaced again, he’d already disconnected. Ryan had tapped him on the shoulder, and with a sardonic, “Wakey, wakey, sleeping beauty,” the soldier had led the way into the house._

 

Still okay.

 

_They’d barely made it through the front door before Stephen had pulled Ryan close and kissed him as thoroughly as he could. Once they came up for air, Stephen had grinned and pulled Ryan through to the sitting room - a preliminary sortie in his campaign to get a couple of beers into his soldier and then his soldier into bed._

xXx

 

Stephen bit his lip. Was that the problem? He gave a quick peek at Ryan under his lashes. Did Ryan not want him? Was he too much trouble now that Helen had targeted him again? He glanced at Ryan again, saw the bulge in the soldier’s trousers, and wanted to curl up in a corner and die. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could. Being upset meant pheromones, and pheromones meant Ryan was going to be aroused, and Ryan being aroused but not doing anything about it meant Ryan didn’t want him any more. He could understand that. For the captain to have to spend his life watching over his shoulder for Helen Cutter’s machinations against the ARC was one thing; for him to have to watch out for personal interference was something else.

 

Staring at the floor while he worked out what to say, Stephen missed Ryan moving closer, and the voice right beside him made him jump.

 

“Stephen.”

 

Once he settled, Ryan started again.

 

“You know I’m angry with you.”

 

Stephen nodded, still concentrating on the pattern of the wood grain on the floor.

 

“Do you know why?”

 

Stephen shook his head.

 

“You should.”

 

Taking a deep breath to try to calm his sudden shakes, but not looking up, Stephen signed, _I’m too much trouble. You don’t want me any more._

 

There was a sudden thump as Ryan landed on the couch beside him, and a few lurid curses that finally made Stephen raise his head to stare at Ryan out of confused blue eyes.

 

“Jesus H Fucking Christ,” Ryan finished his rant. “I’m not sure which one of us is the bigger idiot. You really don’t know, do you?” He reached out to cup Stephen’s jaw in one shaking hand.

 

“Helen.”

 

Stephen shrugged, still lost.

 

“And her Cleaners.”

 

Stephen pulled away, turning his back. So that was it. All the pretty words Ryan had used before, telling him that his past didn’t matter, that it was over and done, that him having been created by Helen Cutter as something not much more than a living sex toy meant nothing; they were just words. Now that he’d been used by her and her clones again, he was unclean. Unwanted. He fought against tears of mingled pain and fury, turning back just enough so that Ryan could see his hands.

 

_I understand. If I can stay tonight, I’ll leave in the morning. I’m sorry._

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” The complete confusion in Ryan’s voice made him look more closely at the soldier.

 

_They used me. You don’t want me any more._

 

“Are you out of your sodding mind?” Ryan was practically yelling, and Stephen started to scoot back on the couch in anticipation of a blow.

 

His reaction brought Ryan up with a jerk.

 

“Jesus, Stephen, I’m not going to hit you.” He reached out and pulled Stephen close to speak directly into his ear. “I’m angry because you didn’t tell me you’d been raped. Because I was ready to bring you home and pound you through the mattress, and if I hadn’t got a call from Ditzy, God knows what kind of damage I could have done because you bloody well didn’t say a word!”

 

Stephen started struggling, but Ryan’s arms were like iron bands holding him. The feeling of being trapped started to make him hyperventilate, and if he’d been able to make a sound, he would have been whining in fear. It took Ryan a couple of minutes to calm down enough himself to realise that Stephen was falling apart. He let go, and Stephen slid quickly to the other end of the couch.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered. He reached out slowly and stroked Stephen’s shoulder. “I’m more of a mess than I thought I was. I came so close to losing you, Stephen. So fucking close.”

 

Stephen stared at him in wonder. Hesitantly, he signed, _You still want me?_

 

Ryan let out a deep breath that sounded half-sob. “Of course I do! I love you, you fuckwit!”

 

Ghosting a silent chuckle, Stephen signed, _Is fuckwit the latest line in endearments?_

 

Ryan visibly relaxed. “For you, love, yes. It is.” Now serious, he added, “I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.”

 

Stephen shrugged. _It was no big deal._

 

Ryan dropped his face into his hands as Stephen stared, trying to figure out what he’d said wrong this time.

 

“Jesus H Fucking Christ”, Ryan repeated, his voice slightly muffled. “Stephen, rape isn’t something that just happens. It’s not a normal part of life, for fuck’s sake!”

 

Eyes wide, Stephen frowned. _It doesn’t matter. Really. I’m used to it. It’s what she made me for._

 

“And that’s fucking wrong, too,” Ryan sighed. He leaned back, and Stephen swallowed hard at the analytical look turned his way.

 

“You may be used to it. It may be what she made you for. But I want you to understand this once and for all, Stephen. It is not what you’re for any more. Helen is committing a crime every time she takes you like that, and her clones are, also. You are alive, you are human, and you are free. She has no authority over you. Ever!”

 

Stephen nibbled on his lip as he turned the words over in his mind. He was still having a little trouble with the idea that Helen Cutter didn’t own him. She’d created him to react to her power, to automatically fall into line with her desires instead of being himself.

 

Still tentative, he signed slowly, _It’s hard for me. I know every day what I am._

 

Ryan interrupted. “What you are?” He reached out and turned Stephen’s face to look him straight in the eyes. “What you are is loved. By me. Forever. I can’t bear to see you hurt by her, and I can bear even less you thinking that in some fucked up way you deserve it. You don’t.”

 

Stephen felt his eyes filling, and blinked rapidly. _Thank you._

 

Ryan shook his head. “No need.” He hugged Stephen hard. “Just, please, for God’s sake let me know if you’re injured. You scared the crap out of me this evening.”

 

_I am okay,_ Stephen signed. _Really._

 

“Not according to Ditzy,” Ryan replied with a sigh.

 

Stephen’s face formed a snarl. _He worries too much. I’m a little sore, but it’s not bad._ He grinned. _Besides, there’s lots of stuff we can do that won’t hurt me, right?_

 

Ryan went feral immediately, pressing Stephen back onto the cushions and whispering into his ear. “Only if you promise, and I mean promise, that next time you’re hurt you’ll tell me.”

 

Stephen shivered, then stretched up to kiss him slowly and thoroughly. “I promise,” he mouthed.

 

And he meant it. The last lingering doubt of his own worth that he’d been harbouring slinked out the back door of his mind with its metaphorical tail clapped between its legs. He was loved and he was safe.

 

Grinning, he reached between them and unzipped Ryan’s trousers.

 


End file.
